Hate to lie...

I hate myself when I lie, because I lie when I'm weak, and I hate to be weak.

All profiles are now deleted

I’m pissed off and fed up of meeting air headed people. Mind games, fake words, over whelmed compliments, and lies, all of these I used to get and have to react. I even used to do them as well, I have learn by years of experience in chatting and web surfing. Although, I hooked up with few who where descent and cute, but it doesn’t worth it anymore.

Double Face

I could not sleep yesterday. I kept awake almost till morning, thinking and judging myself in a silent but a hard juror. I accused myself of being a lair, a double-faced and a loser person.

I always introduce myself in homo life with a fake identity (name, profession. Address), not because I hate my real ones, No, I'm peace with whom I really am, but it's the security sense that always keeps telling me "never give your real identification to anyone, may be he will use it later against you". Being homo in a country like Lebanon or in any conservative place make troubles very near and easy to exist, plus it is risky to deal with it.

I hate being another one, I miss myself, I want to be one person all the time, I hate it when people calls me another name other than mine, I hate being double life, double face, and being a LAIR. The ..... community in Lebanon as I heard and noticed is very dull and low, no matter who you are, good or bad you will be an icon in no time and your name will be mentioned a lot and who knows what will people say or do. I don't care for what they say, but the real fear is that to be under covered in front of my family or work colleges who will abuse me for sure. I had a bad experience in the past and I can't afford it happening for me again.

If one day my parents knew about me what will be the results???? I don't mind to tell them now, but I will cause them huge damage, disappointment and pain. I will award my parents who loved me more than themselves and dedicated all their lives for growing me up with a shame and a life time scandal. I will be like backstabbing them after all what they did for me. They believe in me a lot, they have great expectations and hopes in me. Shall I ruin their lives to fix mine? of course not.

I met few decent people whom I really care for and I want to keep them in my life, but how now???? They knew my fake ID, how can I tell them the real one now??? Even if I did, they will know that I'm a lair and they will never trust me again. They will never consider it as a higher level in our friendship; they will always see me as a non-trust able person. It's the price that I have to pay for the choice I made of being discreet and low-profile, yet the price is really high and I can barley afford.

6^th Nov 2007.