To look better than they really are.
To keep someone they love around.
To believe the lie, live it turning it to real.
To sugarcoat the painful reality, which is unchangeable?
To create strong from weakness.
To realize a dream that will never come true.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Crouching pride, hidden pain.
She never imagines that she will lose him one day, she knows everything has an end, but she did not think of it. She loved him so much; she prioritized him over her parents, her friends and even herself. He also used to tell her that she is his light in darkness, his crunches in troubles, and his eye guard in the gloomy nights. She was happy with his love, proud of his care and warm with his praises.
Yet his praises were setting facts, as she was there for him whenever he needed her, he rarely asks for her support, simply because she used to provide it before he asks. She never bother herself if he notice or appreciate that or not and she never care. She believed that he loves her. He used to do the same, but he also used to tell her that he sacrifices a lot for her sake, and give her advantage over his work and family. She knows that his pride is the most important thing for him in his life, but she thought that she is someone very especial for him, that exceptions could be made for her sake.
Among his hard times, he started to treat her in tough way, not to feel her as he used to, and not to treat her the same way. She always knew he never stopped loving her, and she will never stop loving him. She decides to hide her reactions and feelings born out of his new way of treatment, showing him that nothing is going on.
She knows he hates people hiding and sheltering their feelings, she promised him she would never do that. However, there is always an exception for every rule, as in nature, in science, in religion, and literally in everything in life. It all began when he had a serious of troubles that gave him one of the hardest weeks he ever had since they were together. She did not want to lose the guy she loved for the past three years, the guy that took her a long time to decide being with, the guy she trusted and invested numerous effort and time in. She did not expect all this love to go so quickly; like a dusty glass facing the rain, in few seconds becomes clean and clear like crystal balls.
She though and she was wrong that hiding her pain inside her will never affect their relation. Although, he felt that there is something wrong, she kept telling him nothing whenever he asks; she preferred to keep her pain for herself instead of giving him more pain in his hard times. She wanted not to hurt him more, especially that his mood kept going down and the hard times became harder and harder. She decided to sustain and keep him on trace by saving him the pain. At the same time he kept putting more pressure on her by accusing her of not being cold in the hard times, enjoying her normal life and having fun. And he told her that she is losing him for ever.
Here, she decided to put a big full stop for the series of pain in this relation and she took all out. Although, she knew very well that by doing this she might lose him forever. Her decision way non negotiable, she threw it all out, she told him everything, every single pain he caused over the past period. She supported him all thorough his hard times, while he was blind and depth in following her troubles. It was in the wrong timing, she knew it as a fact, but she will not keep it for herself anymore, simply she can not.
Surprisingly, he was arguing his pride, and dignity more than anything else, her feelings was not even cared for. He told her that knowing him, she had to ask for his response to get it. He told her never to expect him react or to do things she never asks for, she has to name it in words. Although, he was tough and she disagreed on discussing it that way, she went through the conversation reminding him with words she said and requests she asked him to do, which he never react. Here he accused her again of not being clear. How could she express herself other than words and actions? It was a question kept unanswered. If he cannot feel her, then why were they together from the beginning?
She does not think of herself as a victim or a scarifier, she sees herself as a normal person who knew her partner is in a bad mood, preferred to postpone her anger to the proper time. So, he can absorb her pain. Nevertheless, the shock for her was when she found him talking about rules in life and how they agreed not to hide their feeling.
He accused her of being a double face person, by laughing at his face while she is in pain and has things toward him. She told him that she always see this hurt as tiny stones on a long beach hardly distinguished among the sand. But he told her that she lost his trust forever and that she will never have him back again. He was talking about his rules, his principles and his way that she miss-followed. He kept shocking her when he accused her by make her biggest mistake when she decided to wait for him to get better, taking the decision alone without referring to him; Accusing her by passing the line that nobody ever passed by taking a decision on his behalf. She never thought there were red lines between them; she believed they both passed each others borders.
Like a peace of ice left on the road in summer, he melted all her believes and thoughts towards him. She felt totally lost, finding herself telling him "Please, it is over” she took a deep breath to continue “Always remember that you once had a partner, close friend, or even a friend who preferred to lose you more than hurting you in hard times".
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Cheap
- I sent him message on facebook.
- What?
- I told him “Happy to see you on facebook, I’d like to add you ….
- This is unbelievable.
- I did what I felt, you know I’m attracted to him, cannot take him out of my mind, whenever I met someone I wish it is him.
- The guy is a lair, remember when I met him and he told me that he never been to “edde sands” although you both spent a whole day over there. What is so attracting in such a lair?
- He is so sexy, I’m like the mosquito flies towards the light to its destiny, I know it is worthless and he is not interested in me, but I’m so into him.
- You gave him the chance to reject you, and who knows such a person can do? He might show your message to his friends telling them fake stories about you. He might say that you have been tracing him for a long time and you never stop calling him over phone. Victimizing himself pointing you as an obsessive sinner. In our community, rumors invade the city in no time especially a story like his. You will find many reactions vary from group to another. Some might shows it by giving you straight eye contact will hit you like hidden bullets penetrating your body killing you without a drop of blood or a single word. Others will be like the sponge; they will absorb it all, will hide and will not show it unless you communicate. But the most dangerous will be those who use the rumor to show off building fake stories, like a gum you will be in their outings and parties, they are professionals truth will never be clear to anyone even for yourself.
- ….. I acted normal… I did not want to add him before asking him, plus I …
- Such an ego person like him will never reply to your message, for him you are someone he met two years ago and never stop flirting around from time to time. For him you are a cheap girl always initiating contact.
- ….
- “dear you are a kind person, you think all people are as good as you are, but this gives people advantage over you” could not reach your receipt as he/she is offline.
- What?
- I told him “Happy to see you on facebook, I’d like to add you ….
- This is unbelievable.
- I did what I felt, you know I’m attracted to him, cannot take him out of my mind, whenever I met someone I wish it is him.
- The guy is a lair, remember when I met him and he told me that he never been to “edde sands” although you both spent a whole day over there. What is so attracting in such a lair?
- He is so sexy, I’m like the mosquito flies towards the light to its destiny, I know it is worthless and he is not interested in me, but I’m so into him.
- You gave him the chance to reject you, and who knows such a person can do? He might show your message to his friends telling them fake stories about you. He might say that you have been tracing him for a long time and you never stop calling him over phone. Victimizing himself pointing you as an obsessive sinner. In our community, rumors invade the city in no time especially a story like his. You will find many reactions vary from group to another. Some might shows it by giving you straight eye contact will hit you like hidden bullets penetrating your body killing you without a drop of blood or a single word. Others will be like the sponge; they will absorb it all, will hide and will not show it unless you communicate. But the most dangerous will be those who use the rumor to show off building fake stories, like a gum you will be in their outings and parties, they are professionals truth will never be clear to anyone even for yourself.
- ….. I acted normal… I did not want to add him before asking him, plus I …
- Such an ego person like him will never reply to your message, for him you are someone he met two years ago and never stop flirting around from time to time. For him you are a cheap girl always initiating contact.
- ….
- “dear you are a kind person, you think all people are as good as you are, but this gives people advantage over you” could not reach your receipt as he/she is offline.
Friday, July 18, 2008
An Hour
She went out of the lap hiding her shaking legs after they took a blood sample and told her to pass over after an hour to know the result. She did not know where to go, or what to do in this whole hour. Walking to her car, she saw three women in black, going into a church, it is not a prayer time, she sneaked her eyes through the door, and she noticed that there is a funeral inside. She jogged away from the church as if she is running from death, she felt it is a sign, she is going to die, and the analysis will be positive. She hardly opened the car’s door and threw herself over the driving wheel, with non blinking eyes she stared to nothing and started to think. Her life was too short even if her age says the opposite, she will be isolated away from her family and friends, and she will lose her job, her career, and the more precious thing her life. For the first time in her life, she doesn’t care what people might think or say about her. He found her mind blocked, she can’t think can’t drive; she stepped out from the still opened door and sit on the pavement on the parking. Her car was the only one in the line; she noticed the burned lamp in the street light opposite to her car, the dry leaves over the tree in summer time, all these were signs. Soon her life will reach to an end; hospitals will be here home and medicine will never stop.
Time is moving deadly slow, surprisingly she usually complained from it running out but the hour is not getting to an end. Knelling on her hands, she stands up, closes the door of her car and started to walk back slowly to the lap. The funeral is going out of the church the time she is passing, her eyes freeze at the coffin, she imagined herself dead and in the same coffin in few months. She went into the church with all the prayers and vows she knows her lips interpreted what the mind dictates. With a heart full of faith and mind looking for hope, she left the church continuing her way to the lab. Hiding her shaking legs with a cold face, sugar coating her fear by a plastic, she entered the lap. Like war drums her heart kept beating whenever the door of the lap open, ten minutes passed like a day long while she waiting in the reception, till the nurse came out holding the result sheet in her hand with a calm voice she said “Negative”.
Time is moving deadly slow, surprisingly she usually complained from it running out but the hour is not getting to an end. Knelling on her hands, she stands up, closes the door of her car and started to walk back slowly to the lap. The funeral is going out of the church the time she is passing, her eyes freeze at the coffin, she imagined herself dead and in the same coffin in few months. She went into the church with all the prayers and vows she knows her lips interpreted what the mind dictates. With a heart full of faith and mind looking for hope, she left the church continuing her way to the lab. Hiding her shaking legs with a cold face, sugar coating her fear by a plastic, she entered the lap. Like war drums her heart kept beating whenever the door of the lap open, ten minutes passed like a day long while she waiting in the reception, till the nurse came out holding the result sheet in her hand with a calm voice she said “Negative”.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dream
Her close friend and she accidentally saw him last night; he was sitting few tables away with his friends. Her close friend knows all his friends, reacting normal he wanted to say “hi”. Subconsciously, she found herself asking him not to go, and speechless when asked for the reason.
Five months ago, in her eyes, he was the perfect person She dream of, he was everything in her life, She could not imagine a day pass without looking into his eyes. She spends long time meditating in front of his photos in the few days they could not meet.
Now, she knows that her crush blinded her, causing her enormous emotions and pain. He was like a mountain she kept climbing for a long time and when she reached its tip, she realized that its a rocky mountain has no soil to plant. All the rocks she stepped over in her way up were not an enough sign; her mind was blocked letting her heart to lead.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Complementary treatment
It was one of the worst treatments she ever had, she regrets after doing it, yet she made it in favor to collect some information. She blamed herself after wards for being so cheap; she could get the same information with out going to his place. But this would have taken much more time and she was on rush.
Knowing that from him she might be infected from a fatal disease was much worse. She knew on a weekend, most of the laboratories were closed; it took her two hours of calling the telephone guides and people to check on working places on a weekend day. With a dry tear in the eyes, nervous control one of her friends drove her to a lap, where they took a sample form her blood and told her that the result will be out within an hour.
Knowing that from him she might be infected from a fatal disease was much worse. She knew on a weekend, most of the laboratories were closed; it took her two hours of calling the telephone guides and people to check on working places on a weekend day. With a dry tear in the eyes, nervous control one of her friends drove her to a lap, where they took a sample form her blood and told her that the result will be out within an hour.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tears of Beirut
"Hezbollah's successes in three days of fighting has left the government of Fouad Siniora reeling and made clear that a more powerful Hezbollah is now calling the shots in Lebanon after a 17-month power struggle with the government.
In further violence on Saturday, at least four gunmen died in clashes to the east of Beirut and in north Lebanon, while two people were killed in the capital when shots were fired at the funeral of a government supporter." Reuters.
Hezbollah stop it please..........
In further violence on Saturday, at least four gunmen died in clashes to the east of Beirut and in north Lebanon, while two people were killed in the capital when shots were fired at the funeral of a government supporter." Reuters.
Hezbollah stop it please..........
Friday, May 9, 2008
Circle
The house has been closed for almost two decades as she traveled to study abroad after her mother passed away. The civil war, the Israeli’s invasion and the assassination series forced her to leave the country seeking for safety and hope in other lands.
Now, She is getting back to her old apartment that was closed for years, where she live with her parents, the place that witness her childhood, her youth, and will witness her death. Seeing the white cloth covering the furniture that did not prevent the dust, humidity and time from adding a fading yellow color to it. She saw herself in the furniture; they both grew old, useless, and with no benefit for anyone. Empty handed she is, after all these years, no child, no husband. If she follows the counter of her age it will be a long life, but if she counted the good times, strange enough she had a very short life.
She knew many men in her life, she got into many relations, only few were serious that lasts for a while, but marriage was never an option. She always wished that her date, lover or partner would propose, but this never happened, years ran out quickly, she is getting older and older alone.
Inspired by Marwan Khoury’s song “Dawayer”
Now, She is getting back to her old apartment that was closed for years, where she live with her parents, the place that witness her childhood, her youth, and will witness her death. Seeing the white cloth covering the furniture that did not prevent the dust, humidity and time from adding a fading yellow color to it. She saw herself in the furniture; they both grew old, useless, and with no benefit for anyone. Empty handed she is, after all these years, no child, no husband. If she follows the counter of her age it will be a long life, but if she counted the good times, strange enough she had a very short life.
She knew many men in her life, she got into many relations, only few were serious that lasts for a while, but marriage was never an option. She always wished that her date, lover or partner would propose, but this never happened, years ran out quickly, she is getting older and older alone.
Inspired by Marwan Khoury’s song “Dawayer”
Monday, April 28, 2008
Monday
7:00 AM (his day off and her long working day):
She wake up on the ring of her daily alarm, with a sleepy eyes she led her hand to touch her mobile even before turning the alarm off. Her semi closed eyes turned wide when she saw his name with two missed calls an hour and half after she fell asleep. These missed calls were the blesses she started her day with, She took her morning shower, she figured out that she was so excited with her date that she slept the night before forgetting to prepare her work formal clothes as she usually does. She took a deep breath opening her wear draw, and with a bright smile, she picked a suit. Thirty minutes later, she was driving her car wearing a white skirt and jacket, blue shirt, 5-centimeter heels white shoes and a white suite case. She preferred not to put any makeup, only moisture creams to makes her face more refreshing at night when wears her makeup.
9:00 AM:
She is sitting behind on her laptop drinking the morning coffee at work, corresponding to her weekend’s emails. Her cheerful mood makes some of her colleges’ gossip that she might be promoting soon after her last successful campaign and that is why she is in a fresh looking. She always enjoyed over hearing these gossips and never commented on them.
10:00 AM:
She is leaving her desk going to the meeting room, holding her laptop in her left hand with a pen in a finger and carrying her mug half-full with coffee in her right hand. It is the weekly meeting that her manager assists her work as well as her team over the previous week and put short plans for the current week, measuring their progress. She used to dislike these meetings from her manager pressure and hard words, but today is different, she finds herself entering the meeting with a smile announcing the acceptance of any critic and blame could be direct to her or her team. She has that inner energy to absorb any negatives points converting them to positive ones.
After an hour and a half the meeting ends, she is going out of the meeting room as she entered it but this time her mug was empty and a busy agenda for the whole coming month, yet, she shared loud laughs with her manger and her team in her way out. They all commented on the brilliant ideas and her way in fixing things out which makes her so special. None of these compliments make any difference to her; she has her inner feeling and cause for being happy and flashy.
12:00 PM:
She takes her mobile and walks away from the workstation desk, until she reaches the meeting room, which was empty. She called him, she could hear her heart beat with each ring, but her heartbeats went back to its normal order when he did not answer and the call got cancelled by the operator. In her way back to her office her phone rings, it was him, in a rushing steps she return back to the meeting room, with a big smile, she answered the phone before entering the meeting room. His sleepy voice was so charming that she forgot for a moment that she is at work. He told her that he is still on for their date, and he is waiting for it, he asks her to make the date at 8:00 PM and to choose a place, as he trusts her taste. She was over whelmed with his words, causing her confusion to reply properly, she told him she will text him by the place the soon she makes the reservation. Her smile never left her face even after she hang up the phone, she blamed herself for telling him she will let him know by text message, she wanted to inform him by a call to hear his voice again and again.
She is writing him a text message “Café Blanc, ABC Mall, Ashrafieh, 8:00 PM, Table for two reserved”
After ten minutes passed like a day long, he replied “Excellent choice, I’ll be there in time, see you”. She kept reading his message many times, hearing his voice in her ears reading it.
2:30 PM:
Her mobile rings again, her mother is shopping, telling her that she brought her the blue-sky scarf she wanted; it seems like her lucky day. Things can’t be better she told herself that, her business meeting went well, she got a gift from her mum and she will meet him at night. Could it be a better day?
4:00 PM:
She is switching off her laptop, getting so excited, her day now begins she told herself. She has to leave quickly; she has a long and busy evening that she has to make herself ready for. She called Café Blanc again in her way to the hairdresser to re-confirm the two seats table reservation.
She arrived on time at her hairdresser who was surprised as it is the first time since years she asks him to cut her hair during the week. She always used to tell him that she is busy during the week days, and she hates to waste time during her business days but this was the not only thing that surprised him, changing completely her hair cut style and its color was the real shock for him. Her hairdresser kept looking at her a lot while is making her the new style, he felt that she is love, but decided not to ask.
6:00 PM:
She arrives home, leaving her shoes at the entrance of the apartment, finding a note from her mother says that she will spend the night at her brother’s house as he is stick and his wife will spend the night at her parents in Tripoli. She decided to call her brother later and rushed to her room, slide herself under the shower after taking all her clothes off and covering her hair with the shower cap so not to spoil her new haircut. She lays down on her bed trying to take a nap for half an hour before getting dressed, setting her alarm on 7:00 PM. It is a tradition she always follow, she calls it “the beauty nap”, let all her thoughts free and clears her mind; this affects her facial expressions and makes her face looks more fresh and clear.
7:00 PM:
She opened her eyes when the alarm rings; she was not asleep, she was relaxing. We with a body full of power she left the bed washed her face and started to get dressed. She discarded the classic dress with a smile telling herself that she will keep it for another lovely diner with him soon. Twenty minutes later, she was looking at herself in front of the mirror after putting her final makeup touches, walking out of the room wearing a new dark blue jeans with wide leather grey belt with simple metal pieces, a white shirt covered by simple black V-collar tight pullover and a black long high heels boot.
7:30 PM:
She is driving her car going to ABC mall where they suppose to meet at Café Blanc, when her mobile rings. With a big smile, she answered the phone, it is him and she found herself telling him that she reserved a table for two and will not be late to their date. Her smile dissolved letting the sadness finding its way to her lips joined together to make a big sad face when he told her that he got stuck with friends who came from abroad and he has to postpone their date till 9:00 PM. Deep inside her she began to feel insecure bout the whole thing. Yet, she found herself, covering all feelings and replying to him keeping the same fresh voice that she will be waiting for him at their table at 9:00PM. She nothing to do for the coming hour and half, she has no option, she will drive to the mall anyway. She called the café, postponing the reservation from 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM.
8:00 PM:
She parked her car in the first parking level, She is now walking in the mall lonely, having no idea how she can spend a whole coming hour, she was praying for time to run when she found that bookstore in the same floor of the café, she let herself in. It was full of new collection of books, DVDs, and CDs; she started browsing the new collections. She started to get her mood back, after finding a couple of books in which she was searching for since a long time, she felt that luck is not giving her up this day. The smile begins to find its way back to her face.
Few minutes later….
Her mobile rings while was going to the casher of the bookstore, it was the last one she expected or wanted to speak to today. Her ex-date, the one whom she had a crush on and he rejected her in a very gentle way. It’s been almost a year since they met or even had call. She stared at the phone for a second, and then she decided to answer. She walked back deep inside the book shop away from the cashier and she answered in a very low voice. With a relatively loud voice she heard him salutes her asking about her health and mood. She was surprised, but she didn’t show it at all, she answered him that she is doing well, and when she asked him about his news, he told her that he broke up with is girlfriend and he is in a very bad mood. She wanted to end this phone call the soon she heard that, she did not want to hear any sad stories or to spoil her mood which she doing her best to keep it up. Therefore, she told him that she is in a bookshop in ABC mall and she has to hang off the phone and will call him later.
As a cold shower thrown over her head, she heard him says that he knows, and he is seeing her right now. With a speed, look though the books passing the glassy walls of the bookshop, she found him standing outside the bookstore wearing his formal suit with his lovely smile that she used to adore. With a simple and cute smile she waved for him. He entered the bookstore and with a big and warm hug she found herself saluting him. He had a long look at her face, telling her that he admires her new look. She was so angry of him at point, because all what she did cutting her hair shorter than she used to have and changing its color was his idea when they were dating but she kept insisting on not changing it at that time. Now, he is seeing her that after a whole year doing what he used to tell her to do, she is in her new style nothing but his all his advices implemented exactly as he said. She escaped from his compliments by acting mature accepting critics and advices from trusted people, telling him how she considers him as a nice friend, she told him that she has a date tonight but she is not sure if she is going to go or not as she feels not in the mood. They walked in the library browsing its shelves as they used to do when they were dating; he even stopped for a while in front of the DVD section talking about the movies they used to watch together.
After 15 minutes of whispering and remembering their dating days, which made a huge effort to act casual towards the whole coincidence, keeping her smile, they went to the cashier, she paid for the books she picked and he paid for a DVD.
They were stepping out of the bookstore, he asked her if she leaving for her date, she pretending to look in her watch to see the time although she was counting time by minutes deep inside herself, when she told him that she is free and she is waiting for his call. He offers her a coffee at Waterlemon café telling her that he still remembers she likes it. She found herself telling him not anymore and she’d rather go to Casper and Gambini’s for a fresh juice. Although they both know that both cafés have almost the same menu and the same owner, but he did not argue, he figured out that she does not want to go a place where they shared memories.
Few minutes later….
They are now sitting in a hidden table in Casper and Gambini’s far from anyone’s site where she insists on that, explaining that she is not willing to meet anyone from her office colleges, who comes to this mall regularly in weekdays. She starts asking him about his work and how did life treat him in the past year, as if she triggered a water dam, he starts to tell her every single detail about his life and his ex-girlfriend, how they met, what attracted him to her, their weekends trip and every tiny details. She was moaning with her head most of the time as if she is interested in his story, the fact was she was willing he would stop, willing that her mobile would ring at any point of time.
She is pretending to be a good listener, while her mind is totally blocked waiting for the phone to ring, she barely hided that by placing the mobile on the chair, on her right leg under the table from which his view angle can’t see her checking on the network and the battery status every 2 minutes. He keeps telling her stories about how he suffers from being single again, counting her numerous times and acts he misses his ex-girlfriend, how he is regretting taking the decision of breaking up. She tried to change the subject many times but he was always returning to the same subject.
9:45 PM:
Her mobile rings, she couldn’t hide her happiness, she took the mobile from where she placed it on the chair and she took a 3 seconds look on the screen, keeping her smile while pressing a button turning it to the silent mood. Then she raised her head to look back to her ex-date guy, continuing her acting session, who stopped talking and asked her weather she will take it or not, her reply came negative. With a surprised eye, he enquired again if it’s her date that is on the phone, she told him yes but she won’t answer.
He was shocked from her attitude which is far from her nature, asking her for the reason, her reply came to increase his shock, she told him that the guy should respect his words, they were suppose to meet first at 8:00 PM and he postponed it to 9:00 AM, and he didn’t call her back as they agreed. So, calling now makes no sense, it is almost 10:00 PM and she is not willing to start an outing that late or even to listen to meaningless excuses.
Her attitude was very weird for him seeing a face he didn’t see before and even when her mobile rang again, she insisted on not answering, rejecting the call this time. Although, she told him that she’s looking only for serious guys, but he kept defending the other guy by listing possible excuses could happened for the guy, she finally found herself promising him that she will call the guy later giving him chance to clarify his situation.
Few minutes later….
She is going out of Casper and Gambini’s with her ex-date, with smiles and warm words, saluting him by a long hug complementing the nice evening she had. Before leaving he asked for a favor, with his charming smile which she always adore, he asked her again to call the guy and listen to him before taking any decision that might be wrong as there might be a good reason for not showing up, just to give him a chance. She found herself promising him again that she will.
She left him and walked through the mall’s halls, walking out of her way to the car, passing by café Blanc, looking at the table she reserved occupied with a younger couple, a tear of glimmer fell out of her eyes, she continued walking toward her car. The moment she entered the car she took a deep breath, and drove her car out of the mall.
Loads of depression invaded her while she driving back home, interpreting into eyes full of tears, running nose, and the sense of guilty. Blaming herself for all the preparations she did the past few days, she felt so cheap and despite for a person to love, seeing how she was looking at her mobile waiting for it to ring all day. She was desperate to see his name, so that she browsed her phone book just to see his name and number. “How silly she was?” she said to herself, She wanted to show him her new haircut, and her new style, she wanted to spend a lovely night talking with him, knowing him more, but he never showed up or even call.
Yes, he never call, it was not him who called her twice when she was in the café. It was her close friend Nadine, who knows the whole story, wanted to check how the date went. She usually cancel her calls when she is busy and call her back later, but this time she found herself using her friend to make a lie. She could not tell him that men are still rejecting her as he did a year ago. She could not afford being a loser in front of him; she preferred the blaming for being tough hearted more than to be pettiest by him.
With eyes full of tears, she opened the door of her apartment, closing it with her back, trying to end that day without even looking at it, taking a long breath again while resting her back on the door. She turns the lights on and walked into the reception, it is cold, nobody at home, so wired, where is her mother? Her eyes catch her mother’s note again, reminding her that she forgot even to check on her brother, she felt guilty and selfish. She picked up the phone quickly, racing time to call him before midnight, it is late she knows, but she could not imagine going to sleep with all these negatives.
Her brother’s voice came from the other side to remind her with warm feelings she misses since a long time, the feeling of being secure, and being responsible from someone, He gives her the relief she needed after a long day. She felt so happy when he told her he feels better only after hearing her voice; and it is very touchy to have her voice the last thing in his ears before he sleeps. She hangs the phone and her tears were gone, she felt that she still means something to someone in this life.
The end.
She wake up on the ring of her daily alarm, with a sleepy eyes she led her hand to touch her mobile even before turning the alarm off. Her semi closed eyes turned wide when she saw his name with two missed calls an hour and half after she fell asleep. These missed calls were the blesses she started her day with, She took her morning shower, she figured out that she was so excited with her date that she slept the night before forgetting to prepare her work formal clothes as she usually does. She took a deep breath opening her wear draw, and with a bright smile, she picked a suit. Thirty minutes later, she was driving her car wearing a white skirt and jacket, blue shirt, 5-centimeter heels white shoes and a white suite case. She preferred not to put any makeup, only moisture creams to makes her face more refreshing at night when wears her makeup.
9:00 AM:
She is sitting behind on her laptop drinking the morning coffee at work, corresponding to her weekend’s emails. Her cheerful mood makes some of her colleges’ gossip that she might be promoting soon after her last successful campaign and that is why she is in a fresh looking. She always enjoyed over hearing these gossips and never commented on them.
10:00 AM:
She is leaving her desk going to the meeting room, holding her laptop in her left hand with a pen in a finger and carrying her mug half-full with coffee in her right hand. It is the weekly meeting that her manager assists her work as well as her team over the previous week and put short plans for the current week, measuring their progress. She used to dislike these meetings from her manager pressure and hard words, but today is different, she finds herself entering the meeting with a smile announcing the acceptance of any critic and blame could be direct to her or her team. She has that inner energy to absorb any negatives points converting them to positive ones.
After an hour and a half the meeting ends, she is going out of the meeting room as she entered it but this time her mug was empty and a busy agenda for the whole coming month, yet, she shared loud laughs with her manger and her team in her way out. They all commented on the brilliant ideas and her way in fixing things out which makes her so special. None of these compliments make any difference to her; she has her inner feeling and cause for being happy and flashy.
12:00 PM:
She takes her mobile and walks away from the workstation desk, until she reaches the meeting room, which was empty. She called him, she could hear her heart beat with each ring, but her heartbeats went back to its normal order when he did not answer and the call got cancelled by the operator. In her way back to her office her phone rings, it was him, in a rushing steps she return back to the meeting room, with a big smile, she answered the phone before entering the meeting room. His sleepy voice was so charming that she forgot for a moment that she is at work. He told her that he is still on for their date, and he is waiting for it, he asks her to make the date at 8:00 PM and to choose a place, as he trusts her taste. She was over whelmed with his words, causing her confusion to reply properly, she told him she will text him by the place the soon she makes the reservation. Her smile never left her face even after she hang up the phone, she blamed herself for telling him she will let him know by text message, she wanted to inform him by a call to hear his voice again and again.
She is writing him a text message “Café Blanc, ABC Mall, Ashrafieh, 8:00 PM, Table for two reserved”
After ten minutes passed like a day long, he replied “Excellent choice, I’ll be there in time, see you”. She kept reading his message many times, hearing his voice in her ears reading it.
2:30 PM:
Her mobile rings again, her mother is shopping, telling her that she brought her the blue-sky scarf she wanted; it seems like her lucky day. Things can’t be better she told herself that, her business meeting went well, she got a gift from her mum and she will meet him at night. Could it be a better day?
4:00 PM:
She is switching off her laptop, getting so excited, her day now begins she told herself. She has to leave quickly; she has a long and busy evening that she has to make herself ready for. She called Café Blanc again in her way to the hairdresser to re-confirm the two seats table reservation.
She arrived on time at her hairdresser who was surprised as it is the first time since years she asks him to cut her hair during the week. She always used to tell him that she is busy during the week days, and she hates to waste time during her business days but this was the not only thing that surprised him, changing completely her hair cut style and its color was the real shock for him. Her hairdresser kept looking at her a lot while is making her the new style, he felt that she is love, but decided not to ask.
6:00 PM:
She arrives home, leaving her shoes at the entrance of the apartment, finding a note from her mother says that she will spend the night at her brother’s house as he is stick and his wife will spend the night at her parents in Tripoli. She decided to call her brother later and rushed to her room, slide herself under the shower after taking all her clothes off and covering her hair with the shower cap so not to spoil her new haircut. She lays down on her bed trying to take a nap for half an hour before getting dressed, setting her alarm on 7:00 PM. It is a tradition she always follow, she calls it “the beauty nap”, let all her thoughts free and clears her mind; this affects her facial expressions and makes her face looks more fresh and clear.
7:00 PM:
She opened her eyes when the alarm rings; she was not asleep, she was relaxing. We with a body full of power she left the bed washed her face and started to get dressed. She discarded the classic dress with a smile telling herself that she will keep it for another lovely diner with him soon. Twenty minutes later, she was looking at herself in front of the mirror after putting her final makeup touches, walking out of the room wearing a new dark blue jeans with wide leather grey belt with simple metal pieces, a white shirt covered by simple black V-collar tight pullover and a black long high heels boot.
7:30 PM:
She is driving her car going to ABC mall where they suppose to meet at Café Blanc, when her mobile rings. With a big smile, she answered the phone, it is him and she found herself telling him that she reserved a table for two and will not be late to their date. Her smile dissolved letting the sadness finding its way to her lips joined together to make a big sad face when he told her that he got stuck with friends who came from abroad and he has to postpone their date till 9:00 PM. Deep inside her she began to feel insecure bout the whole thing. Yet, she found herself, covering all feelings and replying to him keeping the same fresh voice that she will be waiting for him at their table at 9:00PM. She nothing to do for the coming hour and half, she has no option, she will drive to the mall anyway. She called the café, postponing the reservation from 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM.
8:00 PM:
She parked her car in the first parking level, She is now walking in the mall lonely, having no idea how she can spend a whole coming hour, she was praying for time to run when she found that bookstore in the same floor of the café, she let herself in. It was full of new collection of books, DVDs, and CDs; she started browsing the new collections. She started to get her mood back, after finding a couple of books in which she was searching for since a long time, she felt that luck is not giving her up this day. The smile begins to find its way back to her face.
Few minutes later….
Her mobile rings while was going to the casher of the bookstore, it was the last one she expected or wanted to speak to today. Her ex-date, the one whom she had a crush on and he rejected her in a very gentle way. It’s been almost a year since they met or even had call. She stared at the phone for a second, and then she decided to answer. She walked back deep inside the book shop away from the cashier and she answered in a very low voice. With a relatively loud voice she heard him salutes her asking about her health and mood. She was surprised, but she didn’t show it at all, she answered him that she is doing well, and when she asked him about his news, he told her that he broke up with is girlfriend and he is in a very bad mood. She wanted to end this phone call the soon she heard that, she did not want to hear any sad stories or to spoil her mood which she doing her best to keep it up. Therefore, she told him that she is in a bookshop in ABC mall and she has to hang off the phone and will call him later.
As a cold shower thrown over her head, she heard him says that he knows, and he is seeing her right now. With a speed, look though the books passing the glassy walls of the bookshop, she found him standing outside the bookstore wearing his formal suit with his lovely smile that she used to adore. With a simple and cute smile she waved for him. He entered the bookstore and with a big and warm hug she found herself saluting him. He had a long look at her face, telling her that he admires her new look. She was so angry of him at point, because all what she did cutting her hair shorter than she used to have and changing its color was his idea when they were dating but she kept insisting on not changing it at that time. Now, he is seeing her that after a whole year doing what he used to tell her to do, she is in her new style nothing but his all his advices implemented exactly as he said. She escaped from his compliments by acting mature accepting critics and advices from trusted people, telling him how she considers him as a nice friend, she told him that she has a date tonight but she is not sure if she is going to go or not as she feels not in the mood. They walked in the library browsing its shelves as they used to do when they were dating; he even stopped for a while in front of the DVD section talking about the movies they used to watch together.
After 15 minutes of whispering and remembering their dating days, which made a huge effort to act casual towards the whole coincidence, keeping her smile, they went to the cashier, she paid for the books she picked and he paid for a DVD.
They were stepping out of the bookstore, he asked her if she leaving for her date, she pretending to look in her watch to see the time although she was counting time by minutes deep inside herself, when she told him that she is free and she is waiting for his call. He offers her a coffee at Waterlemon café telling her that he still remembers she likes it. She found herself telling him not anymore and she’d rather go to Casper and Gambini’s for a fresh juice. Although they both know that both cafés have almost the same menu and the same owner, but he did not argue, he figured out that she does not want to go a place where they shared memories.
Few minutes later….
They are now sitting in a hidden table in Casper and Gambini’s far from anyone’s site where she insists on that, explaining that she is not willing to meet anyone from her office colleges, who comes to this mall regularly in weekdays. She starts asking him about his work and how did life treat him in the past year, as if she triggered a water dam, he starts to tell her every single detail about his life and his ex-girlfriend, how they met, what attracted him to her, their weekends trip and every tiny details. She was moaning with her head most of the time as if she is interested in his story, the fact was she was willing he would stop, willing that her mobile would ring at any point of time.
She is pretending to be a good listener, while her mind is totally blocked waiting for the phone to ring, she barely hided that by placing the mobile on the chair, on her right leg under the table from which his view angle can’t see her checking on the network and the battery status every 2 minutes. He keeps telling her stories about how he suffers from being single again, counting her numerous times and acts he misses his ex-girlfriend, how he is regretting taking the decision of breaking up. She tried to change the subject many times but he was always returning to the same subject.
9:45 PM:
Her mobile rings, she couldn’t hide her happiness, she took the mobile from where she placed it on the chair and she took a 3 seconds look on the screen, keeping her smile while pressing a button turning it to the silent mood. Then she raised her head to look back to her ex-date guy, continuing her acting session, who stopped talking and asked her weather she will take it or not, her reply came negative. With a surprised eye, he enquired again if it’s her date that is on the phone, she told him yes but she won’t answer.
He was shocked from her attitude which is far from her nature, asking her for the reason, her reply came to increase his shock, she told him that the guy should respect his words, they were suppose to meet first at 8:00 PM and he postponed it to 9:00 AM, and he didn’t call her back as they agreed. So, calling now makes no sense, it is almost 10:00 PM and she is not willing to start an outing that late or even to listen to meaningless excuses.
Her attitude was very weird for him seeing a face he didn’t see before and even when her mobile rang again, she insisted on not answering, rejecting the call this time. Although, she told him that she’s looking only for serious guys, but he kept defending the other guy by listing possible excuses could happened for the guy, she finally found herself promising him that she will call the guy later giving him chance to clarify his situation.
Few minutes later….
She is going out of Casper and Gambini’s with her ex-date, with smiles and warm words, saluting him by a long hug complementing the nice evening she had. Before leaving he asked for a favor, with his charming smile which she always adore, he asked her again to call the guy and listen to him before taking any decision that might be wrong as there might be a good reason for not showing up, just to give him a chance. She found herself promising him again that she will.
She left him and walked through the mall’s halls, walking out of her way to the car, passing by café Blanc, looking at the table she reserved occupied with a younger couple, a tear of glimmer fell out of her eyes, she continued walking toward her car. The moment she entered the car she took a deep breath, and drove her car out of the mall.
Loads of depression invaded her while she driving back home, interpreting into eyes full of tears, running nose, and the sense of guilty. Blaming herself for all the preparations she did the past few days, she felt so cheap and despite for a person to love, seeing how she was looking at her mobile waiting for it to ring all day. She was desperate to see his name, so that she browsed her phone book just to see his name and number. “How silly she was?” she said to herself, She wanted to show him her new haircut, and her new style, she wanted to spend a lovely night talking with him, knowing him more, but he never showed up or even call.
Yes, he never call, it was not him who called her twice when she was in the café. It was her close friend Nadine, who knows the whole story, wanted to check how the date went. She usually cancel her calls when she is busy and call her back later, but this time she found herself using her friend to make a lie. She could not tell him that men are still rejecting her as he did a year ago. She could not afford being a loser in front of him; she preferred the blaming for being tough hearted more than to be pettiest by him.
With eyes full of tears, she opened the door of her apartment, closing it with her back, trying to end that day without even looking at it, taking a long breath again while resting her back on the door. She turns the lights on and walked into the reception, it is cold, nobody at home, so wired, where is her mother? Her eyes catch her mother’s note again, reminding her that she forgot even to check on her brother, she felt guilty and selfish. She picked up the phone quickly, racing time to call him before midnight, it is late she knows, but she could not imagine going to sleep with all these negatives.
Her brother’s voice came from the other side to remind her with warm feelings she misses since a long time, the feeling of being secure, and being responsible from someone, He gives her the relief she needed after a long day. She felt so happy when he told her he feels better only after hearing her voice; and it is very touchy to have her voice the last thing in his ears before he sleeps. She hangs the phone and her tears were gone, she felt that she still means something to someone in this life.
The end.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday 10:00 PM
She called him to re-confirm their date, but he did not answer, although she knows he finishes his work late, she kept blaming herself for calling while is on duty. She turned all her thoughts to what will she wear the next day. She opened her wear draw starting to choose what to wear, to overcome her irritation, she picked up a classic blue sky dress with white high heels boots but she found herself will be over dress for the occasion especially she doesn’t know where are they going yet. She decided to prepare two styles of dresses ready; one is classic and the other the smart causal hanging them both in on the right side of her wear drew. Then she went to match the makeup colors for each style, placing them on the makeup dressing table and after an hour of arrangement, had two makeup sets, the way she wanted. She felt tired, her sleepy eyes did not stop her flow of thoughts, that he might call her back and she has to stay awake in answer his call. After half an hour from fighting sleepiness, her head fall on the pillow forcing her to sleep.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Saturday Night...
She is home with her mother, aunt, brother, and cousins, they are sitting in living room and she is in the kitchen where she can still hear their voice mixed with the T.V. She is doing the chocolate brownies which she is famous of through her family and friends, with a smiley face she is stirring the brown sugar in a glass of water and she starts to remember….
Six months earlier, she saw him with a common friend on a diner where she was invited, her friend introduced him to her as a professional painter, with his long hair, Adam’s apple, Greek eyes and his warm voice, he attracted her from the very first moment. She barely spoke during the dinner, as she was listening to every word he was saying. He was a mix between the Mediterranean and the Arabic look framed in western clothes; he was more than she wants in a man. When he was commenting on a football match she found herself defending his points when her friend disagreed with him, although she hates football and knows nothing more than it should be two teams on one play group at a time. she was enjoying his voice tone regardless the meaning of the words. She wanted to have his number but she got a phone call from work and she had to leave early that night before having the opportunity to speak with him alone and have his number.
She is now adding the eggs one at a time and mix well with the flour, when her memories flow leads her to the next time they met. It was a month later, when her same friend was having a party at his home and invited her. She enquired about him and she knew that he would be there. She wore one of special summer clothes, and she went to the party. With a charming smile he saluted her when they met, they exchange only few words as it was crowded, but she got his mobile number, and agreed on going out for a dinner sometime when he comes back from his business trip after 2 months.
Putting the roll pan in the oven after adding the chocolate chips, setting the degree at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. The timer reminds her with his arrival date, it was the 25th of the month, she knew it from their comment friend without letting him know. She called him a day after, willing that his trip went good, and he asked her for a date on the coming Monday.
She took the pan out of the hot oven, cutting the brownie cake into chips. While serving it to her family with a vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce, she was listening to their praise responding with few words and smile. Her body was in the living room, but her mind and soul were looking forward to Monday, the day after tomorrow.
Six months earlier, she saw him with a common friend on a diner where she was invited, her friend introduced him to her as a professional painter, with his long hair, Adam’s apple, Greek eyes and his warm voice, he attracted her from the very first moment. She barely spoke during the dinner, as she was listening to every word he was saying. He was a mix between the Mediterranean and the Arabic look framed in western clothes; he was more than she wants in a man. When he was commenting on a football match she found herself defending his points when her friend disagreed with him, although she hates football and knows nothing more than it should be two teams on one play group at a time. she was enjoying his voice tone regardless the meaning of the words. She wanted to have his number but she got a phone call from work and she had to leave early that night before having the opportunity to speak with him alone and have his number.
She is now adding the eggs one at a time and mix well with the flour, when her memories flow leads her to the next time they met. It was a month later, when her same friend was having a party at his home and invited her. She enquired about him and she knew that he would be there. She wore one of special summer clothes, and she went to the party. With a charming smile he saluted her when they met, they exchange only few words as it was crowded, but she got his mobile number, and agreed on going out for a dinner sometime when he comes back from his business trip after 2 months.
Putting the roll pan in the oven after adding the chocolate chips, setting the degree at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. The timer reminds her with his arrival date, it was the 25th of the month, she knew it from their comment friend without letting him know. She called him a day after, willing that his trip went good, and he asked her for a date on the coming Monday.
She took the pan out of the hot oven, cutting the brownie cake into chips. While serving it to her family with a vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce, she was listening to their praise responding with few words and smile. Her body was in the living room, but her mind and soul were looking forward to Monday, the day after tomorrow.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
P.S. I miss you...
It's one hour before sun shine, the streets are empty, like my life without you. I’m driving back home alone near to the area we used walk in. You always used to tell me how you enjoy my driving in the winter nights, closing the windows, talking, laughing, and listening to your favorite music, cleaning the vapor from our breaths that cover all the inner glass of the car with your hands.
How can I live without you? How can I spend my day? I miss your wake-up call every morning, the small window on my laptop when you sign in to msn while I’m drinking my morning coffee at office. I just figured out that we didn't use to chat a lot, but seeing you online and available was enough to make me feel warm.
My phone misses your name appearing on its screen, calling me for dining or for a walk by the sea, especially at the evenings after I finish work. It was always your call that notifies me that I’m working off the working hours and I have to leave the office to catch diner. I miss your cheerful face in the evenings after a long day at work I miss my meal with you, the juice I used to drink and the food I used to eat all is tasteless; it was your hands that give them flavor. What Am I going to do next Saturday? Remember, we used to finish work, go for a movie then have our movie discussion over supper, then walk in the fresh air by the sea. Even in winter we used to enjoy walking in the cold air and the rainy weather. It was your touch that provides energy to my body; your eyes encourage me to success at work. My life without you is nothing but ink on calendar hanged on the wall. It is your hug that warmth my body, your simple words that feed my mind and soul.
P.S. I will pick you up from the airport next Tuesday.
How can I live without you? How can I spend my day? I miss your wake-up call every morning, the small window on my laptop when you sign in to msn while I’m drinking my morning coffee at office. I just figured out that we didn't use to chat a lot, but seeing you online and available was enough to make me feel warm.
My phone misses your name appearing on its screen, calling me for dining or for a walk by the sea, especially at the evenings after I finish work. It was always your call that notifies me that I’m working off the working hours and I have to leave the office to catch diner. I miss your cheerful face in the evenings after a long day at work I miss my meal with you, the juice I used to drink and the food I used to eat all is tasteless; it was your hands that give them flavor. What Am I going to do next Saturday? Remember, we used to finish work, go for a movie then have our movie discussion over supper, then walk in the fresh air by the sea. Even in winter we used to enjoy walking in the cold air and the rainy weather. It was your touch that provides energy to my body; your eyes encourage me to success at work. My life without you is nothing but ink on calendar hanged on the wall. It is your hug that warmth my body, your simple words that feed my mind and soul.
P.S. I will pick you up from the airport next Tuesday.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Her Privacy.....
When she is upset, people always start giving her a strange look, as if they are trying to invade her. she doesn’t want them to do that, she needs her space, she needs some privacy. Since she was a kid, she was dreaming of her privacy, she never find it at home, school, college, work, or even in her friend’s houses where she had to sleep over sometimes. She feels as a stranger in her own house, on her own bed, with her own family and among her friends. Moreover, now she feels as a stranger with herself. Is it because she is always looking for the privacy which becomes a hopeless score? Or is she becomes addicted to the feeling of insecure?
Her car is the only place she finds her privacy in, driving it away from people, going outside the city to the Greenery Mountains , where she can barely find someone knowing or watching her. There she hears nothing but the wind through bushes with a fresh air, and even without. Although, the showing up of snakes is an option, she feels safe and relaxes, to take off all her artificial masks she uses on her daily treatments with people. She starts walking on her feet across the trees seeking for clearness and her real identity, which is hidden among all the masks. She walks till she reaches a small muddy lake, where she reveals the last mask to figure out that her face is full of scratches from which she cannot recognize herself.
She wishes if she could live in another country where calm is the weather and peace is the attitude of people. Does it exist?
Her car is the only place she finds her privacy in, driving it away from people, going outside the city to the Greenery Mountains , where she can barely find someone knowing or watching her. There she hears nothing but the wind through bushes with a fresh air, and even without. Although, the showing up of snakes is an option, she feels safe and relaxes, to take off all her artificial masks she uses on her daily treatments with people. She starts walking on her feet across the trees seeking for clearness and her real identity, which is hidden among all the masks. She walks till she reaches a small muddy lake, where she reveals the last mask to figure out that her face is full of scratches from which she cannot recognize herself.
She wishes if she could live in another country where calm is the weather and peace is the attitude of people. Does it exist?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Losers
You are calling and texting me now, Where have you been when I wanted you… needed you…
Not sure if it is over, but sure it will never be the same.
Not sure if it is over, but sure it will never be the same.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Where are you?
Am I going to find you ever? I dreamt of you since I was 10 years old boy. I’m looking for you in all the faces I meet, people I deal with, and whom sleep with. I want you decent, simple with a lovely spirit, lover, faithful and cultured. Like the hero in the childhood stories or cartoon movies.
I was quite sure that one day he will come out of the blue, embrace me physically and emotionally, but he never came. I didn’t stand still waiting for him, I cruised all the known lands looking for him. I went through high class people, mid-class, low-class, communists, atheists, celebrities, and even criminals, obviously I was on the wrong track.
Never stop thinking about you
Never even met you
Strange enough I always knew
That , You are a dream might never come true.
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