BBM

He came to cure her broken heart, with him she knows what she was missing in life. She knows tender and passionate love. He has the ability to make her day with a BBM message. One smile from him is enough to cheer her up and one laugh takes her up to heaven. She wants to stay in his arms forever, could this last?

A A A

Hard Times

I will never forget my sickness. Only in hard times, I know who my friends are, however, it might be painful to figure out how close people act cold. Yet, I’m thankful for having the chance to know them. Not having them in my life afterwards is not a real loss, although I will miss them but I will always have to remember they were a fake. Before, I used to carry their loads but now I have a very good reason for not carry them anymore. I should be thankful to god for that and I actually am.

Unconditional love

My love to you is rare. People keep blaming me for having you in my life and I cannot imagine my life without you. After years non-stop series of disappointments, defeats and scandals. I still have the energy of defending you sometimes by silly jokes or local proverbs to overcome the awful reality. Love is defined as a temporary madness and eternal passion to someone, it gives you a power that ever last. There is always a genuine smile finds its way to face when seeing your Sign, your colors or even one of your icons anywhere at any time and it is enough to make my day. Screening your name makes me feel warm and safe regardless what it can bring back. It is easy to find people love winning horse but it is very hard to believe or to find people love a weak horse. Yes, I confess that you are weak, not the one I like to have, I envy others for having better ones, I know it is very hard to be a strong horse at the moment or even in the near past but this will never stop me from loving you. People may over analyze or criticize our relation but this time I won’t defend you as usual. I will keep silent and drawing the same smile you teach me to have when seeing you. You will always have my loyalty no matter what. You will always be the one for me. I Love you.

I wrote the above lines in a moment of grief.

Fairy Tale

Fairy Tale Night: The concert of the legendary Fayrouz.


Beil, 7th October 2010:

I had lunch in Café Blanc ABC Achrafieh, where they serve tasty oriental Lebanese food, I had my lunch accompanied with Ziad Haddara and a lovely Egyptian friend. We finish our food around 6:30 PM watering our mouths by sipping the unique white coffee (Hot water and natural Rose flower water mixed). Ziad drive me back to the hotel at 6:55 PM, where I rush into the Hotel lobby asking for my concert ticket that wafaa (my travel agent) delivered in the morning. I checked the ticket and make sure of the date and price, then the fly to my room. Placing the suit and the shirt on the bed, the cuff links and watch on the dressing mirror aside to the perfume bottle, and the shiny black shoes with the socks on floor near to the bed. I took a hot fast shower, I fit myself in the garments in 15 minutes and I went down to the lobby asking for a taxi to drive me to the BIEL (Beirut International Exhibition & Leisure) where the concert held.

The taxi driver was driving as crazy as Egyptians’ microbus driver, yet his welcoming chat when he knew I’m Egyptian was enough to overcome the bad driving. There was Traffic in our way to the concert, the Corniche of Beirut was very crowded, that I had to leave the taxi 1.5 km away from the BIEL. After few minutes of walking I noticed the crowd source is coming from the BIEL side, I was not the only one wearing the formal soiree and heading towards the concert hall “The BIEL”. Soiree robes, unique hair dressings, purses matching colors with high heels, perfumes, and suits were the dress code 1 km far from the BIEL. The crowd make many of the attendees walk on the Corniche and in the street leading to the BIEL. Club cars were driving the VIPs and aged audience from the parking area to the Concert Hall entrance. Those club cars had a lighten poster on their sides and on their back sometimes for Fayrouz new alum “Eih Fe Amal” or “Yes, hope exists”. The club cars with Fayrouz profile gave the sense of privacy for the attendees.

I reached the BIEL’s entrance gate with its white marble floor and the high crystal glass doors., where security asked for mobiles and Cameras as not allowed to have inside the concert hall. I was lucky to have this caution priory (I left them in my hotel room). I over passed the mobile and cameras handling queue, and I went inside the high ceiling wide reception area walking on dark red carpet to find big white booth on the right side selling The Leagenadry Fayrouz new Album. I went toward the guys in the booth to buy the album, he told me that costs around 26,000 LL, I asked him how much will cost in dollar, he was busy to answer me or might find it silly to answer, yet I found the guy next to me handing me a copy from the Album, I thanked him for and get back to the booth guy with the same enquiry, which he finally answered me 13 USD, before even getting the money from my pocket, I hear the guy next to me telling the guy it is covered and he paid for it. Looking back to the guy next to me, I found him looks like the mad fans and I asked him to pay for it he answered with a loud voice while was walking about “It is a gift, it’s an inspiration for Fayrouz” I got freeze, speechless, and with a smile growing widely on my face announcing appreciation, happiness and inspiration. I hold the Disc and went towards the stairs that has the dark red carpets as well as the reception.

The moment the stairs ended, I saw the Concert Hall. Was as wide as one kilo meter long, with a well noticed and smooth sloop down towards the stage. That was around 2 meters height covered by dark black carpet, the stage took almost all the front side like a big theatre one, with a long red carpet stripe starts back stage and ends in the mid-center of the stage with a microphone hanged on the its end. The musicians chairs and the choras steps were equally placed on the stage divided by the red carpet stripe. The ceiling was very high and all covered by black cloth in Sindbadian way as well as the walls. The whole Concert Hall was in black and the audience white seated seats. I took me few moments to realize that my dream is coming true and that I’m attending a live concert for Fayrouz. Most of the audience were talking to each other in low voice giving the concert hall a nice acceptable live gossip spirit. My seat was next to a young couple who works with the Rabbani’s sons, one is a fashion designer and his young wife is a vocalist who visit Cairo early in 2006 and admired her experience in Cairo Opera House. We talked about the latest Court order of preventing Fayrouz from singing her old songs, they were not accepting the Court decision nor the escalation of the conflict to the court from the first place. I was glad for having them aside as their ideas mached mine. But few minutes later, I discovered that my over whelming with the atmosphere drove me to the wrong seat. I had to go back few lines. Finaly my right seat, the worng one was better, yet I still can see the stage, and the musicians clearly. Few minutes later the musicians and the chorus walked on to the stage, we all clapped and they started to rhythm and sing few songs from the old songs of Fayrouz. Then the moment came.

The Hall’s light dimmed a lot, only the stage has few light on the musicians and the chorus, and full light on the red carpet that cuts the back ground ending in the middle of the stage. Few moments of silence, then a piece from a white dress came out behind the stage curtains cutting the silence with a loud clapping all over the hall, in less than second the whole white dress followed by around 2 meters white tail was on the stage having the 75 years old live legend of inside walking with confidence and pride toward us, saluting deeply happy inside but without showing as her usual action. It was a unique moment for me, the audience and Fayrouz, all of us love her and she loves us back, our clapping, name calling and whistling came deeply from our hearts and reach hers immediately. We kept clapping for almost 5 minutes, our clap even stopped the musicians from playing. After whole 5 minutes of clapping the Orchestra started to play and with the first few words of singing we all started to clap again. The Legendary Fayrouz kept singing forcing us to stop clapping and to start to enjoy her warm voice.

I can’t remember most of the songs she sang that night, they were from the new album, only two or three songs from her oldies. There was a magical force sourced through her voice, the music, and the legendary atmosphere slaving me.

Expectations

When you are down, tired from expectations, and you cannot stop yourself. When you do good things to people you love even before they ask, when you do an effort knowing their taste but they don’t do the same. While you expect they do, but the fact is that they either don’t fell you or don’t care or might even don’t bother to go out of their way to know. Moreover, they accuse you of being over expecting person and that you don’t differentiate things. They push you to reach the fact that you are the one who is mixing cards and you start to believe them. Until you hear a sound comes from the back to interrupt the flow by inquiring “Since when did we differentiate? Or is it the words that people use when they want to escape from facing things?” It is hard to prove people wrong, but it is easy to see them crystal clear in hard times. At this time, you have nothing to do but let your tears down and erase them from your life. Everyone wish others can see the world from his/her eyes, being selfish enough by criticizing others showing how stupid they are. Few are those who reaches the peace of acceptance and understanding.

Move

When you decide to leave, you should know where are you heading to. If your target is not better, the usual advice is to stay, but always trust your inner felling. In many times, the move itself is the good thing. The change is all what you need, if you are afraid to lose what you have, regretting it in the future, you will always stand still. You have to lose sometime and gain the other time, gaining all the way never happens. Don’t be deceived by the bank account, care more for your life-time account.

Turn Page

It is not too late for her to turn the page. Especially if she is the only one who is still writing on its lines. She has to do it, she knows it is not easy as it takes time and effort as it a long and heavy page full of ink. She knows when time comes after having her closure; she will be able to read all this page with a critic eye.

Hurt

It hurts me that I left you in such a bad way although I do not regret it. It makes me figured out the real picture. I knew that I lived through a big illusion under the name of love.

I misread you and kept caring for you then figured out how weak our love was.

Yes, we were passionate about culture but not in the way we both claimed. Culture did not affected our manners nor our characters that much. Arrogance and aggressiveness got us blind. It is a shame to let this all take place. It is a loss-loss situation.

Missing

She fought all my basic instincts to stop loving him, but she could not. she knows he got many fatal issues that she cannot stand in a person, he is so selfish, self centered, arrogant and lacks respect morals.

However, she could not stop herself from thinking about him. There is no chance to have him back in her life and she is not sure if she wants him back as well. All what she know is missing him.

Sad

I’m emotionally abused, whenever I reach peace with myself, I wake up to figure out that I’m living in a big lie.

People are enjoying fake reactions, and trying to convince me with it. Yet, I will never buy do.

Why do I have to fulfill other's dream? Why do I have the energy to change things I want to?

When Hearts Meet and Depart: The Phone Call.

“I can understand your silence, I can feel your grief, but I was totally frank with you, I didn't hide anything. I know you are shocked, I can see your disturbance, and this situation is not a traditional one. Yet, it is now your choice now, I beg you to take time before deciding, and be sure that if you accept me the way I am, I would be the happiest man for having you with me for the rest of my life"
With these words Khaled ended his hour and half phone call with Maha, the call in which her running tears were only her reply. The call in which Khaled confessed his love to her and how he could not imagine his coming life without her. She was shocked from his sharp words, his straight way in handling the whole situation, and how he had logical explanation in which he used to defend his views before she even argue through. Her widely open eyes showed that her mind was in a state of disorder , trying to understand the whole situation.
It was not easy for Khaled to come out to Maha, telling her almost everything about himself and sharing his secrets that he barely talks about to anyone. Not only was he risking losing Maha by telling her what he did, but also losing his reputation and respect among all their common friends and may be his family as well. For Khaled, this call was a true moment with him, one of the very few ones that he ever had. With mixed feelings after hanging up with Maha, Khaled was extremely happy for sharing his secrets and was heavily afraid she won't be able to handle what he told her.
“I’m fed up with walking alone in the middle of the road; I wish you could be my partner. The others will always be guests, but it always is you who will last”
These words among all were the most painful ones. She felt offended; does she look like a one who can accept this thing? Being an open minded character accepting the others views and differences does not mean she can accept him the way he is. It doesn’t give him the right to underestimate her manners or her pride as girl.
Khaled saw in her the girl of his dream, the outgoing and cultured who has exposed much kind of experiences. Maha is the only one he met who can be his partner, she is very smart, sexy, and always looking forward to be unique in everything. If she did not find one to compete with, she would go to compete with herself, especially when it comes to breaking borders.
Maha was brought up to reject things that are prohibited by ethics and religion. The idea of open marriage never crossed her mind, or thought she will be offered. Her mind went to extreme once as being a second wife, but was repealed instantly. She could not accept the idea of sharing a man with another woman. Her husband should be only hers, all the love and care has to be for one person. She cannot accept being a small part of someone’s life while he is the only part of hers. She might be watching TV or going for shopping while he is sleeping with someone else. It is very painful for her to accept that she is not enough for the one she loves, and that he will always need others. What could be those needs? How can he judge her before …..? If she is all what he wants in a woman as he told her, why isn’t she enough?
He told her that he tried many times to be with only one at a time, but he never succeeded. He cannot dedicate himself only one, it is against his nature, he has desires and interests that Maha cannot satisfy. Having an open marriage will give him the opportunity to keep Maha in his life, she will be his partner, and they can make a family and have kids. He won’t have to hide and seek every time when he is with someone. He will be an open book for her to read at anytime. He won’t be like other husbands who have their secret lives. Maha is his love, his wife, the one whom he cares for the most; the others will be just to fulfill the other needs.
“You are the one whom I love, the one I will spend my honey moon with in a romantic city by the sea. The only one I imagine myself cooking for in your late pregnancy period, and burning the food as I am a terrible cook. The one whom I would always be hers”
His words kept echoing in her ears pushed by her beating heart through a narrow way to her mind, these words were touching her heart very deep. it was weird;. It was exactly her own image of her future husband! these words were hers, she remembered telling them to her close friend Ayman years ago. With long non blinking eyes, Maha started thinking of how did Khaled know these words although he doesn’t know Ayman?

Angles.

She has her own exposure in life and has her own way in seeing people either men or women. Being involved in many communities, gave her the opportunity to know variable styles of people. Her daily life is not a monotone one, it contains a lot of contradicted attitude and asymmetrical responses, that people might not understand and trap them by confusion. Close friends and people who knows her well, knows that it is a normal thing considering her style of living. She sees herself as a developing character with golden chances of exposure and experiences. She knows many people might find her tough and rude, others might feel her soften heart and gentle sense, but she doesn’t care.

Blood Tears.

Wearing her black strapless dress, she was going out of her car when her shoulder hit set of sharp screws where holding a wooden sheet placed on the cemented column of the garage. Forced by the sense of pain, she sat herself back, seeing few drops of blood on her left shoulder making lines down on her arm. She wish she could hold the blood as she usually hold and hide her tears and keep the pain for herself, but this time her body could not stand the pain as she usually does. Drying them with tissues and putting a couple of spritzes from her perfume over her tiny wounded shoulder, the blood stopped. She went of the car again carefully, she put her dark purple pashmina on her shoulder covering her shoulder and moved forward with her strong and confident walk with a well drawn smile on her face.

Moment.

She wished if time could stop at this moment. She is enjoying this moment the most she can and will engrave every single touch deeply in her memory. So, if she could not have him again, she can relive this moment in her dreams hundred of times.

A. C.

Down

Everything is going down, all I built over years seems to collapse. It was not a short route, yet not a long one, I know longer ones with nothing achieved, and I know shorter ones with many achieved.
It is bad to feel that years are taking me backward instead of pushing forward. It is disappointing to be re-assisted from zero after a decade.

Ride

We had a nice bath, we met outside, you offer me a ride, I enjoyed your ride, we had fun for two whole hours, many things were common in between, my ride ended with a big smile you saluted me, you avoided my eyes while saying goodbye, I figured out that it is a one life time ride, I didn’t ask for your number, nor you.

Street meet

It was strange to see you there, we talked about your car, I figured out all what I was told was lies, you told me you miss me, I said missed you too, we should me more often, and you agreed, waiting for your call.
Ops we didn’t exchange numbers. P