Pause

This is very tough. I hate to express myself as I feel unveiled and exposed. I’m afraid to express myself as others will use my weak point to weaken me back at anytime. I ‘d rather live with my pains than being unveiled or abused. Being unborn is a continuous and useless wish. I cannot adapt to this world nor people. Being strange myself makes me understand others’ differences and actions but not to accept them. Space is needed, pause is becoming a must.

Mex

Last night was so remarkable. I met him and we had a long, warm and cozy talk. I knew all the missing parts of the puzzle. I was extremely tired of predictions and analysis concerning H. Most of my prediction came true, moreover; the stepping down phase is approaching. Although I feel sad for H but I’m glad that my analysis were right in the first place. It took him almost a year and half to reach this phase; but he is almost there now. Will he be more intelligent to recognize this phase? Can he find a way out of the hole? Will he learn the lesson? I hope but I dough. Do I care? Yes. Why? Sake of the old days. Can we get back again? No way.

Anniversary

Today I’m not part of the celebration and surprisingly I’m not regretting missing it. I’m so glad that I left almost two years ago, being outside the photo allows me to see more details that I’m enjoying analyzing them. It is important to leave at the right timing; may be in my case it was not the best, but thank you god for making it SO PERFECT. People are firewalling you today; yet I did a long time ago and had my chance to recap.

Short Life

A lot things took place in my life recently. Life seems too short and more tough than I expected, close people leave without even having the chance of saying good bye. It is very sad to find close friends are buried under dust or on their way to. Hesham died of cancer last Friday, Kassem has diagnosed with Rare disease and on his way to Germany this week for a critical surgery and Wael got contacted me after 12 years of disappearance and I knew that he is paralyzed and he cannot walk any more. A lot of messages in a very short time; I’m afraid the coming one will hit me personally. I lost hope in everything but God; to grant me the serenity to accept all these things.

Move

It's very hard decision to leave everything behind and start sailing in new water. I should not sail in a new water with my old boat. For years now, I want to leave but I don’t have the strength to take this step. I wish I can do it one day before it is too late. We are born with legs to move not with roots to settle in soil like trees.

Dark Glasses

She used to be a nice friend, but I always had a strange feeling that She hates me the way I really am. Days, weeks, months and even years passed till my sense was assured by evidences. She keeps on correcting me in front of others in such improper way and criticizing my way of talking, dressing and acting rudely. I cannot take this anymore and I reached to a believe that we should not be friends anymore. Sadly, I’m tired of losing friends…. But they were really friends?? Or it’s me who insisting n wearing this dark glasses preventing me from seeing their reality. Seems it’s me who is wearing the dark glasses, and it is time to take them off to see reality. If you hate me the way I am, just stop knowing me or I will stop knowing you eventually.

Tough Truth

This is very tough, I’m missing being myself for a while now. I’m being with no benefit for myself. I feel I’m useless to all the surroundings family and friends. I’m a great disappointment for my family. I mean nothing for anyone. I’m becoming professional in being alone and isolating myself. I hate to mingle with old friends; they do not look like me anymore. Either they changed or me I have been changed or both of us; the result is that I do not feel we match anymore. Being betrayed from three of my very close friends and punished in the face by a forth one, makes me lose confident in the concept of friendship itself. Was I wrong? Or was it their mistakes? It is hard for me to believe that the problem is theirs; I’m so into self-blame and judgment. They all deceived me, they all uncovered my secrets and deal with me after like nothing happened, they all were a big disappointment for me, they all hurt me deeply. When I look back to my memories with each one of them, I do not see purity anymore, I see all the small bad issues that I used to cover and deal with for our friendship sake. Was IT MY FAULT? Not highlighting their defects, accepting them the way they are. Sure, it was.

MOMA

" I'm sorry. I'm rusty. I feel disconnected. This is hard. We're out of touch. I'll start again. I'll try to be simple. The last time I saw you, you asked me to tell you what I wanted. You said you couldn't tell. You don't even have a favorite color, you said. But that's not true. My favorite color is your fav color. My fav meal, yours. Why does this make you so angry? I have my own mind but my desire is not a thinking; it's an echo, a reverberating shock. I am so much your, I am no longer myself. Is that so wrong?"

Turn Page

Now, I have to wait for some time, out of respect for others to take their time and space as they respected mine. I have no choice although I dislike that, and I expect no good out of it. By then, it is important to take the turn page decision to stop bleeding. I have to take a deep breath and a short but effective break to forget all about this experience. It was one of my very few loss-loss experience, I lost a close friend and a very good potential partner. I have to straggle again, but this time, I should be more picky than before. I learnt the hard way, I should never drop a sign. I have to choose a better paper material and fixable ink to last for longer time than the one I just turned. Bye C and M.

Bleeding

This is the main issue I’m currently facing concerning my friendship. C turned to be like M, more or less, he cares more about himself, I always felt that with signs that shows how meaningless I am for him but this time I have clear evidence. This was very hard for me to accept although I was prepared yet I’m in denial. Both C and M invaded my privacy and gave themselves the right to uncover my secrets to people either whom they love or believe they are close for them. Prices were always paid by me. I feel like bleeding to death, and I wish to die. May be then, I will find the life I want to live away from all fake things and these who wounded me deeply. One day I will disappear and no one will be able to reach me.

Toy

People are taking over my life, Parents are pushing me to what they see the best for me, planning and designing my life style. Intimate friends and enemies are really confusing me, both uncovered my secret without prior notice; I’m confused. I keep a distance from my enemies, but I cannot keep it from my close friends. Both of them unveiled me according to “circumstances”; is this an excuse? I’m tired of the life that I have no control over it, my life is owned by others, they are all directing it. I feel, I’m like a plastic toy in a fake world, that people are playing with and enjoying their game. My heart is broken, my soul is bleeding and my face is faking a smile. C A M L E.

Loss

There is a huge difference between being my friend and used to be one; only my close friends can tell.

Crave

This has to end, how come after all these years I cannot forget your love? Or even being healed? Is it because I did not find another love? How come I see you in every coffee house we used to visit? Why your favorite food became my crave and your beloved drink became my daily habit? Craving you H. Mohsen