Bitching bitching all the way.

Bitching bitching all the way

Throwing the pain far away

Day and night dancing sway

Willing to stop one day

Or is it the price I had to pay?

For heart full of desire

Leading the body to nothing but fire

Leaving the soul with no hope

Tied in sins with a rope

Always sleeping in bed alone

Smash idea were thrown

Lonely walking in a gloomy way

God, shall you forgive if I pray?

Peace vs. Pain.

I knew that I shouldn't go to that engagement party. I knew I will meet those people whom i dislike. Yet, if time goes back, I would have go as I will never give up my battle.

I'm not seeking for revenge or pain, I want peace and justice, but notifying this now will be as an announcement for surrender.

Out.

I like to deliver messages form time to time for certain people, tonight I was delivering that I'm .... to two from my friends, R and S.

How did they receive it? I will know by time....

Why didn’t I say HI?

My close and I friend accidentally saw him last night, he was sitting few tables away from us with his friends. My close friend knows all his friends and wants to go and say “hi” as a normal reaction and he sees no harm of doing that. I totally refused and I even told him not to go. Just for my sake he didn’t go, I knew that he hates it, but he did it for me, he didn’t even mention it again.

But the question here is why did I do that?

After a long time of thinking, I reached that could be because I was afraid to see his friends whom I heard are strange (i.e. famous, feminine, and judgmental)… but this is not true…. what’s in that? Don’t I have in my friends who have these entire common characteristics and may be more? There must be a hidden reason, come on speak up……

I think because I was not ready to salutes him at that stage of my life…. WHY?

Because, I always used to see him (in my eyes) in a higher level than his real one, I hate to see his friends who I heard about a lot, I hate to see him with them in real life which will be a fall down to him in my eyes, I was afraid of what he will say about me if anyone of them asks who is this guy? (And for sure they will). What will be his answer? Will he speaks well about me? Why not? And why do I care first place? I didn’t do him anything bad or harm; I just had that crush on him.

I still don’t know, may be this is a question mark meant to be there till I find an answer, if anyone knows please let me know.

Cup of tea...

He calls me when he want, he asks me out when he has time. I might not be his favorite cup of tea, or simply not his cup at all.

Willing to see him tonight.

I was willing to see him, he never showed up. He didn't promise anything but I wanted him around. It was a nice cozy party, could be warmer if he came.

T.A.Y.

Hate to lie...

I hate myself when I lie, because I lie when I'm weak, and I hate to be weak.

All profiles are now deleted

I’m pissed off and fed up of meeting air headed people. Mind games, fake words, over whelmed compliments, and lies, all of these I used to get and have to react. I even used to do them as well, I have learn by years of experience in chatting and web surfing. Although, I hooked up with few who where descent and cute, but it doesn’t worth it anymore.

Double Face

I could not sleep yesterday. I kept awake almost till morning, thinking and judging myself in a silent but a hard juror. I accused myself of being a lair, a double-faced and a loser person.

I always introduce myself in homo life with a fake identity (name, profession. Address), not because I hate my real ones, No, I'm peace with whom I really am, but it's the security sense that always keeps telling me "never give your real identification to anyone, may be he will use it later against you". Being homo in a country like Lebanon or in any conservative place make troubles very near and easy to exist, plus it is risky to deal with it.

I hate being another one, I miss myself, I want to be one person all the time, I hate it when people calls me another name other than mine, I hate being double life, double face, and being a LAIR. The ..... community in Lebanon as I heard and noticed is very dull and low, no matter who you are, good or bad you will be an icon in no time and your name will be mentioned a lot and who knows what will people say or do. I don't care for what they say, but the real fear is that to be under covered in front of my family or work colleges who will abuse me for sure. I had a bad experience in the past and I can't afford it happening for me again.

If one day my parents knew about me what will be the results???? I don't mind to tell them now, but I will cause them huge damage, disappointment and pain. I will award my parents who loved me more than themselves and dedicated all their lives for growing me up with a shame and a life time scandal. I will be like backstabbing them after all what they did for me. They believe in me a lot, they have great expectations and hopes in me. Shall I ruin their lives to fix mine? of course not.

I met few decent people whom I really care for and I want to keep them in my life, but how now???? They knew my fake ID, how can I tell them the real one now??? Even if I did, they will know that I'm a lair and they will never trust me again. They will never consider it as a higher level in our friendship; they will always see me as a non-trust able person. It's the price that I have to pay for the choice I made of being discreet and low-profile, yet the price is really high and I can barley afford.

6^th Nov 2007.