Tough Truth

This is very tough, I’m missing being myself for a while now. I’m being with no benefit for myself. I feel I’m useless to all the surroundings family and friends. I’m a great disappointment for my family. I mean nothing for anyone. I’m becoming professional in being alone and isolating myself. I hate to mingle with old friends; they do not look like me anymore. Either they changed or me I have been changed or both of us; the result is that I do not feel we match anymore. Being betrayed from three of my very close friends and punished in the face by a forth one, makes me lose confident in the concept of friendship itself. Was I wrong? Or was it their mistakes? It is hard for me to believe that the problem is theirs; I’m so into self-blame and judgment. They all deceived me, they all uncovered my secrets and deal with me after like nothing happened, they all were a big disappointment for me, they all hurt me deeply. When I look back to my memories with each one of them, I do not see purity anymore, I see all the small bad issues that I used to cover and deal with for our friendship sake. Was IT MY FAULT? Not highlighting their defects, accepting them the way they are. Sure, it was.

MOMA

" I'm sorry. I'm rusty. I feel disconnected. This is hard. We're out of touch. I'll start again. I'll try to be simple. The last time I saw you, you asked me to tell you what I wanted. You said you couldn't tell. You don't even have a favorite color, you said. But that's not true. My favorite color is your fav color. My fav meal, yours. Why does this make you so angry? I have my own mind but my desire is not a thinking; it's an echo, a reverberating shock. I am so much your, I am no longer myself. Is that so wrong?"